If you have been following me on social media, or reading my last few blogs, you know that I have been walking through a difficult season. I am still struggling to put into words exactly what is going on in my head and heart, however I can tell you that this season is full of rocky waves, shaken confidence and many unknowns. During this season I feel as if God is waking me up.
Before I met Dan, I thought I had met the man I was going to marry. It doesn’t seem possible, because I met Dan when I was 19, however it’s true. A year before I met Dan, I had a relationship that I thought was going to be my forever.
This particular guy came from a good family. He went to church. He was loved by many and honestly, on the outside our relationship looked pretty amazing. We always went on the best dates (often times starting at youth group and ending getting ice cream) and most times we could be found giggling. However, behind closed doors our relationship was anything but perfect. He treated me terribly and I didn’t realize it. He talked terribly to me and about me. He cheated on me. He made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Even through all of that I still believed we were going to get married. We were planning our future, and I just knew it was going to be good. When he broke up with me (yes, you read that right, HE broke up with me), I felt like my world would never go back together.
Thankfully, that’s not where the story ends. That break up opened my eyes to so much. I went to college (which was something I never planned), and a year later I met Dan. From the first day I met Dan, he has treated me like I am the most important woman in the world. He has always put me first and always spoiled me. He has only had eyes for me, and it’s so evident in the way he talks to me and treats me. Dan is my biggest cheerleader, and has always pushed me to be my best. He encourages me to chase my dreams hard and he believes in me. I cannot say it enough – he loves me well, and he always has.
However, when I first started dating Dan, I just knew that his personality was too good to be true. My previous relationship tormented me. I kept expecting Dan to start treating me badly. I kept expecting him to find a girl he liked more. I literally had nightmares of him leaving me. After several months of dating, I mentioned the awful nightmares to Dan. He never faltered. He simply told me he loved me, and he would never do the things I had dreamed of him doing. He never laughed at me, he just loved me more.
These dreams continued into our engagement and early marriage, until one day I realized, Dan wasn’t going anywhere. Dan isn’t perfect, but he is my forever. He isn’t going to wake up one day and start treating me badly. He isn’t going to find someone else. Most of all, he isn’t going to leave. I had to choose to trust him. I had to choose to stop allowing the lies of my past sneak into my future. Those lies were stealing my happiness. I had to choose to rest in who Dan is. When I made the decision to trust him, when I choose to believe deep in my bones he loves me, I felt a huge weight fall of my shoulders. It’s like I walked away from chains I had been carrying.
Last Friday, Amanda Lindsey Cook released a new song. The song is called “Awakening” and I simply cannot stop listening to it. I shared the video below, but I think it is important to know the words. A friend said it best when she said the song had been lived. I for sure feel like I am currently living this song:
Stuck inside a house I built
Locked the doors and closed the shutters
With no strength left to cry for help
I hid in bed under the covers
Stuck inside a shade of blue
Sadness was my only comfort
I didn’t know that only You
Could fill my world with all the colors
This is my awakening
That while my heart was fast asleep
You were resurrecting me
I thought that I would never breathe
I thought the pain would never leave
But You’re redeeming everything
Now there’s a dawn at every turn
You speak to me in new beginnings
A ray of sun to heal the hurt
The music stops but You’re still singing
This is my awakening
I’m never going back to sleep
How could I after what I’ve seen
This is my awakening
There’s color now in everything
Color now in everything
As I said when I started this post, this season feels like it’s full of rocky waves, shaken confidence and many unknowns. Right now, my heart hurts and it feels incredibly heavy. I feel like I am surrounded by darkness. However, this season also feels like an awakening, I just didn’t know it until I heard this song. It feels like the Father is using this season to teach me who He is. He’s teaching me that I don’t need to carry all these chains.
Don’t get me wrong, I know who He is on an intellectual level, but just as I allowed my past relationship to cloud my relationship with Dan. I have allowed the lies of the enemy to cloud the relationship with my Father. I know what the Bible says, but deep down I question if the things I have read are true for me. Those questions make me question myself. It’s like I do not know myself, because I don’t know my Father. (The One True Lion King)
I think the most frustrating thing is that I have been here before. I have felt like maybe God doesn’t love me like He loves others. I have walked this territory, and I thought I had conquered it before. (The Ninety-Nine) However, here we are again. I think the reason I am here again, is because I haven’t ever fully accepted the truth. I haven’t fully embraced how much He truly loves me. I know in my head, but I don’t know the truth deep down into my bones.
I feel like as I lean into that truth, the Father is using this season to teach me. He wants me to know deep down in my bones who He is and how much He truly loves me. It’s not just about who He is though, it’s also about who I am. He’s teaching me about how all the labels I carry aren’t what matters. He wants me to know who I really am, down deep into my bones. It’s an awakening.
Waking up is hard. I feel like I am being shaken awake at 3 am so that my Father can take me to Disney World. I know that Disney is going to be so fun, but right now, getting out of bed is hard. It would be so much easier to just crawl back into the safety of my comfort zone. The safety of my bed. However, if I did that I would miss out on Disney World. I can’t go back to sleep.
Just as I made the decision to stop allowing the lies of my ex-boyfriend to control my current happiness, I can choose to stop believing the lies of the enemy. I can choose to lean into truth. I can choose to trust. I can choose to wake up and go to Disney World with my Father.
If you are walking through a season that feels rocky and unknown, I want to encourage you. He isn’t just calling me to wake up. He is calling you too. The Father’s desire is for us to know Him deeply. Not just intellectually, but deep down into our bones. You can trust Him. I don’t think there is a ten-step program to get to know him deep. I am for sure still walking this myself, but I am starting to see that these next few steps are going to be a grand adventure. He is in the process of redeeming everything.