I haven’t posted a new blog in two weeks, however I have opened my computer, and started to draft something at least 400 times. My mind has been all over the place and each time I try to share those thoughts, nothing seems to make sense. So, I delete my thoughts and move on to something else. If I was using an old type-writer, I’d have a room full of crumpled paper around me for sure!
So where is my head? Lately I have felt like my body is against me. I’m tired of delayed fertility and strange symptoms that seem to have no explanation. My job is busy and stressful. My to do list feels way too long. Most days I feel like I cross one thing off the list only to add three more, which makes it feel like I am accomplishing nothing. I feel like life has swallowed me a bit and I feel completely “off.”
I have found myself throwing a bit of a pity party in my head. If I am being completely honest, in the quiet moments, when it’s just me and Jesus… I have asked “Why me?” It’s not something I am super proud of, but I started dreaming of another life. A life where I could have perfect health, stay at home, raise several babies with ease, go on long extended trips with my husband to beautiful places, have a perfect huge house that was always magically in style and clean, a work out schedule that just works and amazing healthy food that just prepares itself. (I know the workout and food thing is crazy…but this is my dream okay!)
Wanting to change every aspect of my life isn’t something I am super proud of. It’s funny, I am quick to feel that I am not enough…but I never want anyone else to believe they aren’t enough. My husband is amazing. I love so many aspects of my job. I have the best friends. I never want my desire for another life to hurt someone else. So instead of talking to someone about my pity party… I just let myself fall deeper into despair.
This week, Dan and I started a devotion together. On the very first day, I read Psalm 78:1-7 –
My people, hear my instruction;
listen to the words from my mouth.
I will declare wise sayings;
I will speak mysteries from the past—
things we have heard and known
and that our fathers have passed down to us.
We will not hide them from their children,
but will tell a future generation
the praiseworthy acts of the Lord,
his might, and the wondrous works
he has performed.
He established a testimony in Jacob
and set up a law in Israel,
which he commanded our fathers
to teach to their children
so that a future generation—
children yet to be born—might know.
They were to rise and tell their children
so that they might put their confidence in God
and not forget God’s works,
but keep his commands.
How powerful is that??
I have spent the last week turning those scriptures over and over in my mind, and I keep getting stuck on the part that says, “He established a testimony in Jacob.” That word established really won’t leave my mind. Established is defined as “having existence for a long time and therefore generally recognized”. I have been thinking about what my testimony looks like, and I realized my story has been forming for a long time, its been developing forever… it’s established. My testimony is a story only I can have.
This pity party is exactly were the enemy wants me.
The enemy wants me to feel like my life isn’t good enough. My stories aren’t rich enough. My dreams aren’t big enough. My job, my house and my health doesn’t cut it. When I believe all those things, I stay silent. I’m not sharing my testimony with anyone. There is no power in a testimony that isn’t shared. More than that, the enemy doesn’t want me talking to anyone about my pity party – he wants me alone in my misery. He doesn’t want anyone pulling me out of my pity party, because when I feel alone, he wins. I become completely ineffective for the kingdom when I let myself believe that I am not enough and that I am an island out in the middle of nowhere.
What if I started trusting that I am exactly where the Lord wants me? What if I started trusting that all parts of my story (ALL PARTS) are establishing my testimony. A testimony that only I can have. What would happen if I stopped dreaming of a different life and started living my life fuller?
Taking this a step further… that scripture says the Lord established a testimony in Jacob so a future generation – children not yet born – would put their confidence in the Lord. I do not believe that delayed fertility or any of the other struggles I face are from the Lord, BUT I love that the Lord continues to use those situations to change my life and the lives of many. I love that this scripture promises that my testimony will show my children the goodness of the Lord.
So, if you are sitting in a pity party today… I encourage you to get up, brush yourself off, and remember that your story is important. Your life – exactly the way it looks – is special and it means something. Don’t for one second believe the lie that if your life was different you’d be better. You have a testimony that only you can tell… and when you allow God to use it… it will shape generations!