This past Spring, Dan and I lost our second baby. Losing this baby has been different than losing our first baby. Our first pregnancy was over so quickly, it felt a little like a bad dream. I carried our second baby for 10 and a half weeks. While 10 weeks is still too short, I had time to allow the idea that we were pregnant to really soak in. I have wanted to be a Mama for as long as I can remember. After struggling to get pregnant for so long, I thought this pregnancy was the end of our wait. It has been tough to accept the reality that we are still waiting.
As I have shared before, I struggle with a hormonal disease called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Before getting pregnant, I finally had my PCOS symptoms under control. I had lost weight (something that historically has been very difficult for me) and was feeling extremely good. Actually, I had gone several months feeling “normal” without really thinking about PCOS. Unfortunately, my short pregnancy was rough on my body. Since losing the baby, everything has been wacky. When it comes to controlling those hormones, it feels like we are back to square one with nothing to show for it. Dealing with the inconsistent hormones, and the insane emotions that come along with inconsistent hormones, doesn’t make handling the reality that we are still waiting any easier.
I have asked myself at least 100 times since we lost our second baby if I can continue on this journey. We have felt God tell us to be still and not pursue fertility treatments in the past and we continue to have peace in that stillness. I may not be taking medications or tracking my ovulation, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little (sometimes a lot) sad to learn we aren’t pregnant month after month. With that said, since losing our second baby, I can’t help but wonder if I missed a message. Maybe it’s time to “give up” on this dream of motherhood and just accept life as it is. My life is full of blessings. Dan is an amazing husband. Doing life with him has been such a huge blessing. I love my marriage. We have the most fun. We both have good jobs and a beautiful home. Maybe we are meant to live like this forever? Maybe parenthood isn’t part of the plan?
Recently, a friend and I were talking about how weary I have become in my wait. I told her that I wasn’t sure if I could keep doing it and she asked me a question that continues to echo in my mind. “Can you imagine a life without a child calling you Mama?” The simple answer is no, I can’t imagine that life. When I really stop and think about it, I don’t think God is telling us anything different than what we heard before. He is still saying “be still and trust Me.” Every time I think about giving up on my dream of motherhood, I realize that I can’t. My heart remains confident that I will be a Mama one day to children in our home.
BUT, confidence doesn’t change the fact that my heart is weary. So what do I do? How do I continue to find strength to walk this road?
I have asked the Lord those exact questions over and over again. As I began to draft this post I asked the Lord again. This time, I stopped and listened and I heard Isaiah 40:28-31 in response. The scripture says this:
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
This isn’t the first time the Lord has led me to this scripture. However, this time I wasn’t immediately encouraged. Honestly, I was frustrated. I felt like the scripture was almost like God was reprimanding me. The way it starts “Do you not know? Have you not heard?” made me feel like God was saying “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” Feeling like I was being reprimanded when I told God I wasn’t sure what to do when I was weary, just made me more tired. Honestly, I just wanted to delete my thoughts on weariness and find something else to write about.
Early this morning, a friend called and my writing came up. I shared with her what I was working on and my frustration with the scripture God was whispering to my heart. My friend spoke so much life. As she spoke, I realized that I got so caught up on the first line of the scripture God has whispered to my heart, I was missing the message! The Lord wasn’t reprimanding me, He was trying to remind me that He never grows weary.
When I am weary of the wait and feel as if I can no longer take one step forward, the Lord is there. He isn’t standing there telling me that my faith is small. He isn’t disappointed because I have forgotten who He is. Instead, He is there waiting to give me new strength.
I think my weariness in my wait was caused because I simply started to rely on my own strength. Isaiah 40:28-31 promises as I wait on the Lord, He will renew my strength. I can’t take another step forward without the Lord. As I put my hope in Him, not only will He renew my strength, He will help me run. Think about that! No more barely being able to take another step forward. The Lord promises to help me RUN through my wait in victory.
This reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Elevation Worship. It’s called “Do it Again”. The song starts with these words:
Walking around these walls
I thought by now they’d fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle’s won
For You have never failed me yet
Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet
Those two paragraphs define my entire heart when it comes to delayed fertility. I thought we would be done with this by now, but we aren’t. I am still waiting for change to come, BUT I know that the Lord’s promise hasn’t changed. The Lord has been faithful to us, and we are still in His Hands.
I do not know how long Dan and I will continue to walk this road. I do not know if this month will be the end of our wait or how long we will continue to wait. But what I do know, is the Lord will continue to renew my strength as I wait on Him. Because of this truth, I can confidently sing the these words:
I’ve seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
So today, I am thankful the Lord has proven once again… He is in the waiting.