In ten years of marriage, Dan and I have faced loneliness a few different times. The day after we got married we moved to Nebraska so that I could finish my degree. Dan’s family was a half hour away, but we didn’t know anyone else. We loved spending time with each other, but we missed having friends. That season in our lives didn’t last forever. After a year of living in Nebraska, we moved to South Dakota and started a new life.
The first year we lived in South Dakota, I was working full time and finishing my degree online. During that time, there were multiple times that I felt lonely. I would work all day, and then come home and do homework all night. Dan was never far away, just in the other room, but I felt like I was alone. That season in our lives didn’t last forever. I graduated and South Dakota became one of our favorite places.
In 2015, I got a job offer and we quickly packed up and moved to Missouri. The job offer and move was a God thing. Doors opened quickly in ways that are more than just coincidental. Even though there was many blessings found in the move, I spent the first month in Missouri alone, while Dan was in South Dakota packing up and getting last minute things completed. We were both lonely.
Being lonely brings out my worst side. For example, one night when Dan and I were living apart, I came home from work and couldn’t get the blinds down in the guest bedroom of our rental. I tugged and pulled until finally, I pulled the blind right off the wall. I immediately called Dan and yelled at him. (I know, not my finest moment!) Of course I knew there was nothing he could do from South Dakota… but I was tired of being alone. Thankfully, that season in our lives didn’t last forever.
Delayed fertility has also been a lonely road. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a Mama. I have watched all of my high school and college friends have babies. In fact, many of them are done having children. I love the dear little ones my friends have been blessed with and I love celebrating all the life around me, but somehow I feel left in the dust. Forgotten and lonely.
Loss has made me even more lonely. When we lost our first baby, we were living in South Dakota. For the first several days after learning of our loss, we were surrounded by family. After our family went home, we had friends who were like family, hold us together until we could stand on our own. Loosing a second baby has felt different. Life has continued to go on, but I have felt left in the dust. My heart is starting to feel like forgotten and lonely may be what is meant for my life.
Ecclesiastes 3 promises that there is a season (and purpose) for everything.
When Dan and I were lonely in our first year of marriage, we grew a foundation of love, respect and friendship that has carried us through the years. We learned how to do life together, because we didn’t have anyone else. What a blessing!
When I was lonely because I was going to school full time and working – I graduated. I have a bachelors degree. I learned that hard work pays off.
When getting a new job meant that Dan and I would spend a month a part, I learned that I can do hard things. I also learned that things will be ok… even when it means I am pulling blinds off walls.
The purpose of delayed fertility and our season of loss still doesn’t feel completely clear. I don’t understand what God is doing… and if I am being honest… it brings some of that anger out in me that those broken blinds did.
Don’t get me wrong, I can make a list as long as my leg of the positives that delayed fertility has brought into our lives. However, even in all of those positives, I am ready for this season to be over. I am ready to hold MY babies this side of heaven.
Lately, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Isaiah 43: 1– 2
“But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
Maybe our season with delayed fertility is so God can show me that no matter how deep the water… He will pass through with us. When we pass through that water… We will not sink. He is with us. No matter how hot the fire… we will not be burned. He is with us. Maybe this journey is simply to remind me that I am completely His… He knows my name and sees me when I feel completely alone. His plans are so much greater than my own.
Maybe I won’t know the purpose of this wait on this season of heaven, but I know I can rest in this, this season will not last forever.