I have said it before, and I will say it again… I am a Type A person. I like order, plans and perfection. If we have a plan, and it falls through, I get anxious and frustrated. I expect things to go a certain way. However, if there is one thing that I have learned during our journey with delayed fertility… it is that life rarely goes like we plan.
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Not only am I a Type A person, but I also don’t like to show weakness. I like being strong, competent and put together. I have a hard time telling people I am upset with them or that I am feeling weak.
I have dealt with a lot of anger as we have walked our journey. Delayed fertility and loss was not part of my plan. What is God thinking? We should be done with this by now right?
After we lost our first baby, a dear friend reminded me that I am not the first to be angry at God. She encouraged me to read Psalm 13 and it quickly became one of my favorite passages. I looked at several different versions of this passage, and I just love the way the International Children’s Bible (ICB) was written. Here is verses 1-4:
How long will you forget me, Lord?
How long will you hide from me? Forever?
How long must I worry?
How long must I feel sad in my heart?
How long will my enemy win over me?
Lord, look at me.
Answer me, my God.
Tell me, or I will die.
Otherwise my enemy will say, “I have won!”
Those against me will rejoice that I’ve been defeated.
How relatable is that? Many say that David wrote this Psalm right after King Saul tried to kill him. David was angry, sad and didn’t feel safe. He had just gone through some really hard stuff.
The first time I read these 4 verses I felt like everything in me was screaming “YES!” How long is the Lord going to skip over me? How long will I watch everyone around me have babies, but not be blessed with my own? How long will I feel like I am walking in darkness? Will I just be sad forever? I can even relate to the dramatic cry… answer me or I will die.
You know what really hits me about these verses. God didn’t yell back or punish David. The bible doesn’t tell us that God loved David less because David got angry at him. God didn’t say “I don’t want to hear it David” or “Why do you question me?”
God is big enough to handle my anger. Not only is He big enough, but He wants me to come to Him when I am angry. Just like in every relationship, it is never good to keep those feelings bottled up. Learning that it is ok to be mad at God, has been very freeing for me. I don’t have to be guilty because I am angry.
The rest of Psalms 13 always rocks me to my core. Here is what verses 5-6 say (again in the ICB version):
I trust in your love.
My heart is happy because you saved me.
I sing to the Lord
because he has taken care of me.
The bible doesn’t tell us how long it took David to go from verse 4 to 5. From screaming “why have you left me?” to saying “I will trust you.” It also doesn’t say that he easily jumped from verse 4 to 5 and then happily stayed there forever.
During our journey, I have learned it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to be dramatic and cry out to God. It’s ok to be angry with Him and to tell Him that life just isn’t the way I want it to be.
BUT I can’t get stuck there. Anger isn’t a sin, but what we do in anger can be.
Every time I scream at God, He always reminds me that I am loved. Recently I had a particularly rough day. The waves of grief were hitting me hard, and I felt like God wasn’t listening. I was lonely and angry. Work was extra stressful and I just wanted to run away. I went home for lunch and a package was sitting on my front porch from a sweet friend.
Getting that package was not a coincidence. God used my sweet friend to remind me that I am not alone and that He is with me each step of the way. She didn’t know that on that day I would feel so lost, but God did. She didn’t know that I felt like I was barely holding on, but God did.
Isn’t that just like God? On a day when I was angry and dramatic, He reminds me of His love for me.
So, today I am working to live in verses 5-6. I will continue to trust Him. He has taken care of me… over and over and over again. His plan always proves to be better than mine.