In 2013, Hillsong United released a song called Oceans. The song spoke to the core of my heart, and I instantly started praying the words over our lives.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”

It’s funny when you pray something, because God always answers. Praying “spirit lead me where my trust is without borders” is not a prayer that should be prayed lightly. Since praying those words, God has asked Dan and I to do a lot of scary things. We have taken a lot of steps to grow our faith…and walk without borders. If I am being completely honest, writing a blog is one of the last things that I ever thought I would do. I have no idea what I am doing…. but lately, I feel like God has been asking me to step out of my comfort zone more. So yet again, I am choosing faith over fear… and letting the spirit lead me to a place that is borderless.

I imagine that my story will slowly come out through several blog posts, but one important thing to know… Dan and I have been dealing with delayed fertility for nearly 7 years. Delayed fertility doesn’t define me, but it does mold several of the stories that I have to share.

A few months after Hillsong released Oceans, Dan and I lost our first baby.  The loss of our little “Trudy” is a story for another blog, but we have seen God be so good to us. Early this Spring, we lost our second baby, “Lil Bit”.

The past several months have been hard. We lost Lil Bit 13 weeks ago, and it still feels like yesterday. I once heard that grief is like an ocean. Sometimes it hits in light waves at your ankles, but other times the waves threaten to pull you under. For the past couple weeks, it has felt like the waves have gotten deeper and deeper. I have felt like I am slowly drowning.

I spent the past week in Austin, TX on a work trip. The week was full of great meetings, good food and fun adventures… but not nearly enough sleep. This morning, I was exhausted and had to fly home. Flying is one of my biggest fears.

The mix of exhaustion, waves of grief, and nerves related to flying…. had me in a dark place. The closer we got to the airport, the more anxious I became. Once we got through the TSA line, we were sitting at our gate and a very loud airport alarm went off. No one even batted an eye (which is actually really weird)… so it probably wasn’t anything, but it intensified the anxiety I was already feeling.

By the time I stepped on to the first plane, I could barely breathe. It was a quick flight (we were only in the air for about 30 minutes), but my entire body was tense, my heart was racing, I was freezing and I felt like the walls of the plane where caving in. I couldn’t get off fast enough. I took some anxiety meds, tried to take deep breaths, prayed and listened to worship music… but it was still hard and I was sure I was going to die on that plane.

We had about an hour before we got onto our next flight, and I didn’t know how I was going to do it. My mind started spinning out of control…Maybe I could just live in Dallas? Maybe I could just drive home? Maybe I could quit my job, change my name and just run away?

But… I got on the plane. As I hit play on my iPad, the first song that came on was a song by Bethel Music called “Letting Go”. The words shook me to my core..

“You’ve brought me to the end of myself
And this has been the longest road
Just when my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song

I’m letting go, I’m letting go
I’m letting go, falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes
But perfect love comes rushing in
And all the lies that screamed inside go silent
The moment You begin

I’m letting go, I’m letting go
I’m letting go, falling into You

You remind me of things forgotten
You unwind me until I’m totally undone
And with Your arms around me
Fear was no match for Your love
Now You’ve won me

I’m letting go, I’m letting go
I’m letting go, falling into You”

I listened to that song on repeat as the plane took off. I let the words speak to my core… and I took deep breaths. And thats when the truth starting hitting me. I feel like I am at the end of myself. I feel like my broken heart may never ever go back together. I feel like 7 years of delayed fertility is a road that I do not want to walk anymore. It’s not fair… it’s been too long. I feel broken. Not just my heart, but my body. I feel like my body failed me. I admit I am starting to feel like maybe this is the end of our journey.

After we hit altitude, I opened the window and saw this…

The truth is, if I would have quit my job, changed my name and ran away… I would have never boarded that plane. If I had never boarded that plane, I would have never been able to see the  beautiful clouds. You can’t see the beauty in the sky without getting on a plane.

And just as I can’t see the clouds without a plane… I am not sure that I would be walking a path to have faith without borders without delayed fertility. The words of “Letting Go” say… that God reminds of us of the things forgotten, unwinds us when we are totally undone, and with His arms around us, fear has no match!” There is so much power there.

This isn’t the end of our journey. God’s promise of motherhood hasn’t changed. Even though the journey has been long and painful…God’s not done.

2 Corinthians 2:9  says… “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest in me.

So today, I am trying to let go… I am letting go of the pain and the heartbreak and embracing that perfect love casts out all fear. Today I am believing that Christ’s power will shine… even in my weakness.